In response to "Why Men Aren't Really Men Anymore" by Paul Hudson

The column is titled “Why Men Aren’t Really Men Anymore,” though really, it could have been the placeholder for any other misplaced “nostalgia” for a time and place that never really existed, which always seems to creep across the Internet in the guise of well-intentioned advice.

The formula is simple. Pick something you don’t like about the world. Then use a ton of anecdotal evidence from your infallible observations to prove that what you see is reality. Oh, and that reality is the result of a digression from our more gentile roots.

Of course, this one pissed me off even more than usual, because hey, I’m a man, and I’m tired of hearing other people – men or women – try to define for me what that is supposed to mean. Imagine the equally repulsive reverse article: "Why Women Aren't Really Women Anymore."

EDIT: Wow, it looks like Paul Hudson imagined that article too, because he actually wrote a second piece with that exact title. So he just hates everybody.

I realize that it was published in May, but hey, this is the first time I (regretfully) saw it.

Here's a play-by-play of all that is awful, with quotes from the column in bold.

There was once a time when men used to be real men. When they dressed with style, when they had a certain honor code they followed that involved treating not only their elders and each other with respect, but women alike.

Bro: That’s right! Remember that time, when men used to be “real men” (read: not gay, not compassionate, not nerds). It was that wonderful time – maybe back in the early 1900s? People dressed nicely then! Sure, women couldn’t vote until 1920, but hey they were treated with respect, unlike now, though I have no way to prove this.  Or how about the Victorian Age? That was like, legit chivalry. Never mind the fact that most men had mistresses and ignored their wives and shipped their children off to a farm to be raised like cattle. Who needs the right to own property of your own when you are respected by an “honor code,” which all men always followed in this glorious, unspecified time in history!

There are of course certain men out there who still have their affairs in order, but we are few in number.

Bro:   According to the poll of one I just conducted to make my completely arbitrary point. Also, there used to be much more men like this, according to another completely unscientific poll – actually, just a thought – I made up on the spot.

 What people are most often subject to is the company of boys who are refusing to grow up and man up — boys who prefer to play with their toys than to do their part in bettering society, the human race and the world as a whole. 

Bro: And there have never been such men in the history of the world until now.

[Insert random picture of a nice car]

Bro: I’m not sure why I put this here, but hey, it’s a badass car and cars are manly!

However, much of the interpersonal confrontations are now also taking place online. People no longer feel that they have a need to meet in person to discuss their differences; they can now troll each other online.

Bro: As I say this, I am completely unaware of the irony that I am posting this passive aggressive post at lesser men on an online  blog that’s presumptious enough to call itself “Elite Daily.”

Personally, when my fight or flight response mechanism kicks in, I always go with fight. It’s not by choice; it’s just the way that I am wired.

Bro: But even though it’s “just the way that I am wired,” it makes  me a better person and, inevitably, a better man than you, and does not make me think at all that I just might have anger management issues.

It is no secret that both men and women alike have sexual urges. Men, however, feel the need to get off more often than most women. So instead of having to spend the time to meet a real woman and have actual sexual intercourse, they watch porn.

Bro: Meanwhile, a real man like myself pulls out his club, goes down to the local watering hole, picks up a chick and proceeds to drag her back to his cave, showing off his manly aggressiveness, because women are meant to be waiting for me to satisfy my sexual urges.

Men have become lazy pussies. I don’t even want to use the word pussy because it brings to mind women, who nowadays have much more character than men.

Bro: It’s not because “pussy” is derogatory or just a plain disgusting word, when used in that context. It’s just because it makes me think of women, who somehow have more character in this crazy society we live in. I mean, seriously – women with more character than MEN?

We have this false belief that doing things faster will give us a life more fulfilled — that it will lead to us being happier. But that isn’t the case. Most of us aren’t happier. We do more, but we experience less. We are never in the moment because we are always considering what we will be doing next in order to not become bored.

 Bro: Wait, wait, I’ve got more generalities about the human race, as accurately surmised by my omniscient mind, which obviously thinks so highly of itself that it can interpret other peoples’ happiness and then compare it to every generation that came before us. Let me tell you about how there is no one out there who ever enjoys anything, or takes anything slow (unlike me).

Jackie never got back to your text message? I’m sure you have several other women in your contacts that you’d equally like to f*ck — once.

Bro: You guys are all pussies. I only have one woman who I mistreat, diminish and expect to be subservient to me in any and all situations (because she is of lesser character and stature, for sure). I make sure she is the only one who fulfills my every sexual whim on command.

Real men are just as concerned for the feelings, needs and minds of women as they are for their own — not just women’s bodies and their sexual usefulness. Real men have a well-defined code of ethics and respect that they follow.

Bro: This is also called just being a genuinely good person, but hey, since this article is about being a manly manburger, than let me throw in all of these platitudes to help soften up my antagonistic rant against my fellow human beings.

How can anyone call himself a man if the last time he had to confront another man — whether it be over a social incident or for business purposes — was before he hit puberty?

Bro: That’s right! How the hell can you be a man if you haven’t kicked someone’s ass since that time you stole that kid’s lunch money in middle school? I mean, am I right, or am I right? Let’s go find some nerd and beat the shit out of him to remind ourselves that we have (are) dicks!

[Insert hypersexualized picture of generically attractive people presumably having sex]

Bro: I’m not sure why I put this here, but hey, sexy pictures are manly! Also, I am completely oblivious to the fact that I just wrote “Real men are just as concerned for the feelings, needs and minds of women as they are for their own — not just women’s bodies and their sexual usefulness” and condemned other men for having “several other women in your contacts that you’d equally like to f*ck.”

Some great women are settling for these fools and then finding that they themselves have no choice but to wear the pants in the family because their “man” is PMSing

Bro: Because, seriously, how can you respect anyone who PMSes?

Ladies… real men do exist; there aren’t many of us, but we’re survivors and will be around for a while. Come find us.

Bro: I’m so going to get laid once the girls realize I’m the only real man in the universe. I’m a unicorn!