Love is another restless night

I want you to know

that just because I can never fall asleep with you

it doesn’t mean I love you any less.

You see, every time I step up into my bed

I pull another Russian gun to my head and

sleep, honest-to-goodness sleep, is

only one bullet out of six shots,

I’ve had this problem since middle school,

It was born from late nights reading in my bed

Until 3 a.m., because night time was the time

for traveling with Elvin kings and

fantastical, magic wings, and

reading under thin,

white sheets.

I want you to know

that I love you so much
that I’ve tried to sleep in other positions,

you know by now

that I can only sleep in one position,

arms crossed, stomach down, forming

a perfect frame to rest my head and cradle it

toward the dream of sleep.

But with you, I’ve tried anyway,

I’ve placed my right arm through the gateway of your two hands,

Which accept it, thank you,
and up to your chest and

I hold you there,

as if to say, ‘One day, you might leave me

but it ain’t happenin tonight. I’ve got you

right where I want you.’

Or maybe I put my hands around your waist,

they rest easy there, I can feel

your breathing, traveling

down your spine, I

relish these moments, my hands

around your waist, as if to say,

‘One day, you might leave me,

but if you do, I’ll be able to tickle you on the way out,’

because I love tickling,

and you hate being tickled.

Night after night, I try these positions

they almost never work

but I try these positions anyway

because I know you like them, they

make you feel safe, secure,

even loved.

Most of the time, when I actually do want to fall asleep,

I pull myself out and I turn away,

and I lay my head down

between my arms.

But still I don’t sleep, my thoughts are racing

I think about everything that makes up nothing,

I think of euphemisms for thought, for sex, for melancholy

I think of Elvin kings and other long-lost dreams,

I’ve tried thinking of sheep, but once, around

Sheep 2,436, I realized that it was all a lot of crap.

I think of when the universe was created, and

every atom exploded with every other atom,

like a giant fireworks display that finally

settled, one day, and became the stars,

that beautiful creation, that one

day created…you.

I want you to know

that I love you so much,

that at night I stare at your silhouette,

it’s not rude if you don’t catch me,

and think of all the moments

that are worth not sleeping for.