I know that I will die young

I know that I will die young

because I always eat like I’ve never heard of a tomorrow.

when we were younger and we sat at the dinner table, together,

my sisters and my brothers would finish their meals, and

I would take what was left and finish it for them, they

called me the disposal, I just wanted to

make sure nothing went to waste.

I know that I will die young

because I read the crime reports every day, I

see randomness claim its victims in the oddest ways, I

know that no amount of reasoning can ever explain

the laundry list of anonymous names,

that passed through the newspaper today.

I know that I will die young

because there is already this pain in my chest, and

I feel it tighten, clenched, like the saddest fist,
it's hard to breathe like this, when I sigh
people assume that there is something wrong,
I have to assure them otherwise, and

a young heart, like mine, should not feel this way.

I know that I will die young

because I’ve always felt this way, the day

my mother dropped me off at school and I told her

that I was sad, because I imagined death was

a lot like nothingness, and blackness, and sadness,

and for days I could not sleep, I tasted

only loneliness.

I know that I will die young because

I have lived longer than you, when you count the

hours I’ve spent awake, as opposed to sleeping.

I’ve never slept very well and, if you add it up, 
I’ve spent weeks, months, maybe even years, awake.

I know that I will die young because

I never met my grandfather, my namesake, he died

from a heart attack, and my Pede, my other grandfather, died

from cancer, and in a family of 10, I know

that the odds are against us all making it,

and I would rather have it be me.

I know that I will die young because I

have always had old eyes, 
and for those of us

who see life as a smoldering sun,

who see beauty in a dewdrop, 
or a sand crab, or a held hand, 
every heart break is a thousand times worse,

and it whittles away at us, and

a young heart, like mine, should not feel this way.